James Madison, America’s fourth president and so-called “Father of the Constitution,” made the brilliant move of leading a young, underfunded, and poorly trained nation straight into war with the British Empire—again. The War of 1812 wasn’t just a diplomatic faceplant; it was an ill-conceived, poorly executed conflict that ultimately saw Washington, D.C. invaded and the White House torched to a crisp (Hickey, 2012). Bold strategy, Cotton.

Why did Madison go to war? Mostly because of British interference with American trade and their impressment of American sailors. Valid grievances, yes, but war? With a global superpower? While our army was still basically a neighborhood watch group in epaulets? That’s like picking a bar fight with a guy holding a bazooka because he spilled your beer.

The invasion of Canada? An unmitigated failure. The defense of Washington? Nonexistent. The British even enjoyed a leisurely dinner at the Executive Mansion before setting it ablaze, perhaps the last time enemies of America were polite enough to clean their plates first (Taylor, 2010).

To Madison’s credit, the war did inspire “The Star-Spangled Banner,” and Andrew Jackson’s last-minute W in New Orleans gave us a much-needed PR boost. But those happened almost by accident, and after the peace treaty had already been signed.

Editor’s Note: When your capital is on fire and your troops are retreating faster than your approval rating, it’s safe to say your war plan might need some revision. But hey, Madison got a commemorative plate out of it, and the British got to roast marshmallows on Pennsylvania Avenue.