Let’s get something straight: Joe Biden wasn’t just excited in 2020 because he was running for president. No, according to MAGA-world logic, Biden was ecstatic because he’d struck a secret deal—one where the real Joe could finally retire to a sensory-deprivation tank in Delaware while a series of clone-robots took over the hard stuff like press conferences and remembering names.

Now, for those of us who are willfully clueless (read: reality-based), here’s a breakdown. The theory goes that Biden’s body was cloned from samples kept in a classified Cold War-era Amtrak freezer, and then mechanized using parts left over from Google Glass and one of the Mars Rovers. The result: not just a clone, not just a robot, but a CybioExecutive™—a perfect union of synthetic tissue and budget surplus AI.

And there’s not just one. There are six Bidens, all deployed for specific political scenarios:

  1. GaffeBot 3000 (for campaign trails)
  2. StateJoe Prime (for State of the Union readings)
  3. Whispermatic 2.0 (for creepy close-range empathy)
  4. Bidenator Lite (for walking up stairs)
  5. ForeignPol Joe (armed with 47 pre-loaded NATO phrases)
  6. Delaware Joe (for disappearing when things go wrong)

Now enter Elon Musk, the government’s non-employee who was, in fact, a government employee. As the “unofficial czar” of the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) under Trump’s second term (Trump Time, not real-time), Musk was tasked with “optimizing” government waste—mostly by live-tweeting agency shutdowns and replacing Social Security clerks with Tesla interns.

DOGE, despite its flashy name, was a monumental flop. Its charter was non-binding, its staff unpaid, and its biggest reform was switching all IRS printers to draft mode. According to a leaked report titled “Why Nothing Changed at All” (Brookings, 2024), DOGE “produced more press releases than actual efficiencies.” That hasn’t stopped Musk from defending it as “the most effective symbolic gesture in American governance since the Boston Tea Party” (X.com, 2024).

And now? Musk thinks Trump should be impeached—allegedly over the so-called “Big Beautiful Bill.” Depending on who you ask, this was either:

  • A defense funding bill that redirected money to UFO research,
  • A secret treaty with the planet Eris,
  • Or a pizza-stained executive order that banned wind power in Alabama.

But some MAGA insiders whisper that Musk’s impeachment talk is just a cover—a double bluff in a game of 5D chess designed to keep the Clone-Robot Bidens distracted while he and J.D. Vance plot a future where Ohio and Mars become joint capitals.

And herein lies the final twist: MAGA supports Trump, hates Musk, but Musk and Vance are now best buds. Musk gifted Vance a limited edition Neuralink Red Hat that says “Make Appalachia Quantum Again,” and the two reportedly share barbecues, bunker blueprints, and Spotify playlists made entirely of Joe Rogan clips.

So what’s the takeaway? In this American fever dream, truth is fluid, clones are programmable, and billionaires can be both government insiders and Twitter dissidents at the same time. Biden might be a cyborg. Musk might be a plant. And MAGA? MAGA is still somehow mad at Starbucks.

Works Cited

  • Brookings Institution. “Why Nothing Changed at All: An Evaluation of the Department of Government Efficiency.” Brookings, March 2024.
  • Musk, Elon. “DOGE Was the Boston Tea Party of Bureaucracy.” X.com, 22 Apr. 2024.
  • Bedlam by Sue Jackson is licensed under CC-BY-SA 2.0