🚀 OUTER SPACE — July 31, 2025


In a bold move destined to reshape American politics—or at least its meme economy—Elon Musk today announced that he is the proud father of a newborn third party: the America Party. Swaddled in buzzwords and cradled by algorithms, the new party promises to offer “a bold centrist alternative between fascism and slightly less fascism.”

Asked what policies the America Party would promote, Musk replied with a neural-network-generated word salad:

“Optimized subsidiarity through neuroquantum freedom vectors. Also flamethrowers.”

Sources close to the situation (i.e., a Reddit thread and an angry Tesla intern) confirm the party will not appear on any ballots, raise any candidates, or perform any political function beyond vibing. Despite this, polls conducted entirely on X—formerly Twitter, now a QAnon scrapbook—show 420% support.

Musk, speaking from a livestream aboard SpaceX’s Mars-themed escape yacht, clarified that the party’s logo would be “a bald eagle doing ketamine on top of a Bitcoin.” The national anthem will be a remix of Grimes humming while ChatGPT explains libertarianism to a Roomba.

In response, Donald Trump reportedly threw a cheeseburger across the Situation Room and called Musk a “robot freak with a fake hairline.” Musk responded by tweeting, “at least I have hair, bro.”

Meanwhile, actual Americans continued dying from heat waves, medical bankruptcy, and despair, but those issues are now considered “boring” and “low engagement.”

When pressed about the party’s future, Musk declared:

“We’re not running a campaign. We’re launching a protocol. Democracy 2.0. On the blockchain. But also against voting.”

The America Party’s first official act was to draft Joe Rogan as its Secretary of Defense, citing his extensive experience with DMT and kettlebells. Their second act was to dissolve itself, citing a market correction in political attention span.

End matter:
For real resistance, not rocket fuel fantasies: https://endfascism.xyz