🏛️ Transcript of the First Bikini Armor Hearing in the U.S. House of Representatives
September 10, 2025 | 23:00 ET / 05:00 CET (EU/NATO archival copy)

House Committee on Cultural Heritage & Symbolic Accuracy
Hearing Topic: “Does Bikini Armor Qualify as Historical Garb?”

Location: Cannon House Office Building, Room 2237
Time: 10:00 AM ET
Session Audio archived at: cspan.gov/torchbae-hearing

Chairwoman Harriet Stone (R‑TX):
gavel bang
This committee will come to order. Today, we examine whether bikini armor—particularly as portrayed in leaked statue redesigns and cosplay submissions—meets the standards for “culturally and historically significant garb.” And yes, I will remind the members: God gave us modesty, but America gave us liberty.

Ranking Member Luis Delgado (D‑CA):
Chairwoman Stone, I want the record to reflect that this hearing exists because of one leaked memo—“Operation: Bust Out”—and a cosplay resume with remarkable quad definition. France has since filed a formal complaint at the UN. NATO cultural liaisons are monitoring. This is not a drill.

Dr. Alma Fitzgerald, PhD (Costume Historian):
Bikini armor is a fantasy genre construct, not grounded in real historical use. While ornamental gladiator garb existed, this modern iteration is more about stylization than preservation. It does not qualify as historical garb under the Cultural Preservation Act.

Chair Stone:
But what if—hear me out—we redefine “historic” to include “courageous reinterpretations”? The Statue of Liberty was a gift. Perhaps our gift back is the boldness of exposed midriffs?

Cynthia “Torch Bae” Gibbons (cosplay applicant):
I submitted the application satirically. But yes—I trained for it. I can deadlift a propane tank. At the risk of being accused of being misogynistic by the misandry… I embodied liberty. And she wore six-inch heels.

Rep. Delgado:
France referred to this as “aesthetic aggression.” NATO is calling for a closed-door fashion summit.

Video Statement – Dr. Jacques Montreuil, French Ministry of Aesthetic Heritage:
“This is a mockery. Liberty was a French woman. She did not wear armor for ventilation. You dishonor her silhouette.”

Chair Stone (closing remarks):
gavel bang
The committee will issue preliminary guidance by September 30. Until then, the torch stays lit—and modestly clothed.