🎺 “Hail the Chief,” they holler loud,
POTUS points at Chi-town’s crowd.
“March the tanks by Wrigley Field,
The pizza’s ours, the city yields!”
🥁 VPOTUS bangs a rebel drum,
Declares the Confederates have come.
But instead of Dixie’s dusty roads,
It’s Lake Shore Drive with traffic cones.
🚁 “Deploy the jets!” the orders fly,
Over Navy Pier, hot dogs sigh.
The skyline ducks, the seagulls squawk,
But Chicagoans just keep their walk.
🍕 They try to storm the pizza pie,
But Lou Malnati’s says, “Nice try!”
The sausage holds, the cheese defends,
The crust won’t break, it never bends.
🎷 Blues in Bronzeville starts to play,
The feds get lost, they’ve lost their way.
Soldiers dance to Coltrane’s tune,
Forgetting they declared a “war” by noon.
🚂 They sent a train of bureaucrats,
Armed with stamps and paper stacks.
Chicago laughed: “Your forms won’t fly,
We shred red tape and deep-dish pie.”
⚖️ POTUS shouts, “Martial law!”
But Wicker Park just orders cha cha.
Skaters grind on tanks for sport,
Turns the war into a court.
🍻 The feds invade a South Side bar,
Claiming victory, raise a jar.
But locals swap the beer for Malört,
The generals gag, retreat to court.
🎡 Navy Pier still spins its wheel,
While soldiers cry on Ferris steel.
“War is hard,” they whine and pout,
The carousel just throws them out.
🎶 VPOTUS tries to sing “Dixie,”
But the Bean reflects back “tricksy.”
Tourists clap, the troops feel dumb,
Confederate cosplay’s come undone.
🦅 POTUS rides a giant bird,
Declares Chicago “most absurd.”
But the pigeon army flaps its wings,
Drops its truth on marching kings.
🏀 Soldiers storm the United Center,
MJ’s ghost says, “Don’t you enter.”
They try to dunk with boots of lead,
The Bulls just laugh and go to bed.
🌭 Hot dog carts roll out in line,
Mustard, relish — battle sign.
Ketchup banned, the feds retreat,
Vienna Beef calls it defeat.
🚧 They try to block the Dan Ryan road,
But traffic jams explode, explode.
Chicago sighs, “That’s every day,”
The troops get lost on I-90’s way.
🍩 At dawn they raid a donut shop,
But cops already made a swap.
The sprinkles rain, the glaze is gone,
The feds go hungry, shuffle on.
🎤 VPOTUS yells, “The South will rise!”
But Chicago blues just harmonize.
A saxophone declares instead:
“No rebels here — go home to bed.”
🧊 They slip on ice at Soldier Field,
Mid-September frost won’t yield.
The Bears look tougher than the fight,
The feds benchwarm through the night.
🚒 They seize a hydrant, turn the knob,
But firefighters finish the job.
Water cannons blast the crew,
“Welcome, boys — Chicago’s true.”
🪧 Logan Square holds out with signs,
Graffiti beats the battle lines.
Troops confused by painted trains,
Declare the CTA “insane.”
🎺 Brass bands march with Second Line,
Out-parading every sign.
The feds can’t match the city’s groove,
So shuffle back with two-left shoes.
🍕 Another push for pizza pies,
Malnati’s sauce blinds all their eyes.
The cheese defends, the pepper storms,
Deep dish breaks invading norms.
🌙 The moon above Millennium Park,
Reflects the Bean’s metallic spark.
The feds salute, then see their face,
Confused, they quit the whole rat race.
🚗 Feds roll tanks on Lower Wacker,
GPS says, “turn back faster.”
Underground maze, they lose their map,
Get stuck behind a taxi trap.
🦖 Field Museum guards its door,
Sue the T. Rex roars for war.
Soldiers scatter, helmets drop,
History wins — the march won’t stop.
🎡 Navy Pier lights up at night,
Generals cry at Ferris height.
“Why is war a carnival?”
Chicago laughs, “It always will.”
🌬️ Lake Michigan sends a gust,
Blows their flags into the dust.
Sailboats cheer, the waters grin,
Chicago’s tide won’t let them in.
🎨 Murals bloom on every wall,
Paint defeats the bugle call.
The feds declare graffiti crime,
The art replies, “Not this time.”
🥁 Drummers pound in Pilsen Square,
Rattling windows, shaking air.
Troops march wrong in ragged line,
They’re out of step, they’re out of time.
🍺 Goose Island brews a batch,
Federal troops can’t find a match.
They chug too much, collapse in heaps,
The city tucks them in for sleep.
🚴 Bikers flood the avenue,
Ring their bells, a rebel crew.
Feds can’t pedal, boots too tight,
The cyclists ride into the night.
🎻 Orchestra Hall strikes up a tune,
Strings outplay the marching platoon.
The timpani booms, the flutes take flight,
The generals cry, “We’ve lost the fight!”
🚧 Construction cones and orange vests,
Confuse the troops with endless tests.
Detour signs point every way,
The army quits by break of day.
🐻 Cubs defend with baseball bats,
Pitchers hurl at federal hats.
“Strike three!” calls the ump with glee,
The scoreboard flashes “Liberty.”
🍂 Autumn leaves in Lincoln Park,
Swirl around till skies go dark.
The feds declare the trees a threat,
The squirrels say, “Not just yet.”
🎤 Kanye storms the battle scene,
Shouts, “Chi-town’s best there’s ever been!”
The troops look lost, they miss the beat,
Retreat again down State Street.
🐦 Pigeons dive with practiced aim,
Splattering suits in perfect shame.
The generals curse the feathered host,
The city cheers its winged boast.
🌭 Polish sausage fuels the crowd,
Vendors chant their anthem loud.
The feds can’t chew, their jaws give out,
Chicago wins without a doubt.
🎷 Jazz bands blare on Maxwell Street,
Improvised defeat’s complete.
The horns declare the city free,
Syncopated victory.
🛶 Kayaks flood the river bright,
Blocking boats with paddling might.
The water laughs, the bridges rise,
Chicago wins, no big surprise.
🐱 Cats on porches watch the fray,
Judge the troops and turn away.
The feline glare makes soldiers quake,
They’re no match for a kitty’s stake.
🏒 Blackhawks skate with sticks of steel,
Check the tanks, the soldiers reel.
Ice wins battles, skates cut deep,
The feds fall down in frozen heaps.
🧊 Snow in September takes its toll,
Drifts and winds the city roll.
The troops cry out, “It’s much too cold!”
Chicago shrugs, “We’ve heard that told.”
🍺 Malört shots line up the bar,
Feds drink once — they don’t get far.
The bitter taste, the city’s cheer,
Ends the war with local beer.
🎭 Theater mocks their marching stance,
Turns the war into farce and dance.
Actors jeer, the curtains close,
The feds go home in tragic prose.
🐟 Fish leap high from Shedd’s wide tanks,
Splash the troops in comic pranks.
Wet and weary, drenched in shame,
They realize war’s a losing game.
🎶 Choirs sing on Sunday morn,
Praise the city newly born.
Voices rise, the troops can’t fight,
They drop their arms, embrace the light.
🚂 Metra trains roll out in force,
Derail the feds’ invading course.
Conductors laugh, the whistles blow,
Chicago’s steel says “Hell no.”
📚 Libraries stand tall and proud,
Quiet power in every crowd.
The books defeat the bombs and guns,
Knowledge wins — Chicago runs.
💃 Dancers whirl through city squares,
Spin the soldiers down the stairs.
The music wins, the fight is done,
Chicago twirls — the war’s not won.
🔔 Church bells ring across the land,
Shake the rifles from their hands.
The echoes roll, the city sings,
Chicago crowns itself with wings.
🐺 Wolves of Lincoln howl at night,
Scare the feds without a fight.
The moonlight glows, the city’s free,
The soldiers flee to Tennessee.
🎉 The city throws a grand parade,
Celebrates the mess they made.
Confetti falls, the streets are loud,
Chicago reigns, defiant, proud.
💤 The troops retreat in full dismay,
Nothing left they can display.
The city sleeps in sweet repose,
Another chapter’s fully closed.
🏆 Chicago hoists a victory cup,
Federal war machine gives up.
The pizza’s safe, the skyline bright,
The people sing: “We own the night!”
🎇 Fireworks burst above the Loop,
The generals pack their broken troop.
Confederate cosplay’s finally done,
Chicago wins — the city won.
🎵 And so the song comes to an end,
The feds went mad, Chicago grinned.
The war was lost, the joke was grand,
The city still holds all the land.
Occupy 2.5 