From the Desk of the Stinky Son Metric Institute
November 8, 2025

RE: Anomalous Civic Engagement Patterns Detected in Response to “Sideboob Clause” Hearings

WASHINGTON, DC — The Stinky Son Metric Institute (SSMI), America’s foremost authority on improperly calibrated outrage and symbolic overreaction, has completed a week-long audit of social media behavior surrounding the October 28, 2025, congressional hearings on the so-called “Sideboob Clause.”

Our findings are both troubling and deeply fashionable.

Between October 29 and November 7, 2025, platforms including Bluesky, X/Twitter, and a surprisingly high number of professional LinkedIn users experienced:

  • A 400% increase in posts referencing “patriotic tailoring”
  • Unquantifiable levels of sarcasm involving NATO cultural liaisons
  • The coinage of at least five new legal euphemisms for “aesthetic exposure”
  • A measurable spike in engagement when Torch Bae™ was mentioned by name

Contrary to early assumptions, this engagement was not driven by bots, Russian influence ops, or AI-generated thirst traps—but by real, concerned citizens and congressional interns who have simply had enough of statue modesty mandates.

“We now have to factor sideboob into cultural heritage modeling,” said SSMI Senior Fellow Dr. Brenda “Brass” Fontaine. “This is not merely a wardrobe malfunction. This is a policy moment.”

To that end, SSMI recommends the following:

  1. Congress establish a bipartisan Fashion Impact Scorecard for symbolic monuments.
  2. NATO convene an emergency “Haute Summit” on Statuewear Protocols.
  3. Social platforms continue allowing tags like #Sideboob and #Freedom for democratic expression—however off-the-shoulder it may be.

SSMI will release its full report, The Draping of Liberty: Metrics, Missteps, and Midriff, in time for the holiday cosplay season.

For interviews, comment, or awkward laughter, please contact:
Chaz Crumpler, Director of Public Relations
📞 1-800-GARBAGE
📧 press@stinkymetric.org

Stinky Son Metric Institute
A proud subsidiary of Occupy 2.5’s Bureau of Semiotics and WTFM.LOL.
“We measure what others flinch at.”