Leaked Transcript from the Sideboob Subcommittee – Occupy 2.5 Exclusive
🏛️ Transcript:
House Subcommittee Hearing on the Civic Visibility Standards Act
📍 Room 223-B, Rayburn Office Building | 🗓️ November 10, 2025
🎥 Broadcast via C-SPAN 4.5 (Freedom Aesthetic Channel)
Chair Rep. Linda Thermopolis (D-CO):
We convene today to address the troubling inconsistencies in our national monuments’ surface-area-to-liberty ratio. The Chair recognizes herself for five minutes. Ladies and gentlemen, patriotism must be measurable, and modesty must be standardized.
Rep. Tad Vance Jr. (R-TX):
With all due respect, Madam Chair, we cannot let coastal elites redefine “freedom” to mean “sideboob.” Founding Fathers didn’t freeze at Valley Forge for this.
Dr. Ronk Bibble, PhD, Stinky Son Metric Institute:
The Modesty Equilibrium Index, or MEI, was developed using a blend of battlefield physics, historical fabric yields, and popular polling from vetted Instagram accounts. Based on our data, the exposed clavicle region correlates directly to reduced public trust in civic statuary.
Rep. Gracie Delgado (D-NY):
For the record, I’d like to enter into the hearing archive a Tumblr thread titled “Bikini Armor Through the Ages: A Misandrist’s Guide to Heavy Metal.”
Rep. Hank Jorgensen (R-ID):
I have here a rendering of the Statue of Liberty outfitted in what my constituents are calling “Communist Chainmail.” Is it true that under this act, the torch would be swapped for a reusable water bottle?
Chair Thermopolis:
Only if the bottle meets the BPA-Free Heritage Clause.
Whistleblower ‘X’ from the Historical Armor Registry (Testimony read aloud):
“They tried to make me rewrite the entry for ‘boobplate’ to ‘ceremonial sternum guard.’ I refused. That’s when I knew the visibility standards weren’t about modesty—they were about control.”
Dr. Bibble:
We merely assert that any representation of liberty must achieve a 62.5% Civic Visibility Threshold. Patriotism is not nudity. It is form, function, and proper draping.
Rep. Delgado:
And yet all your charts use Barbie silhouettes.
Dr. Bibble:
We’re a federally funded institute, not monsters.
[Gavel bangs]
Chair Thermopolis:
Further debate on the Acceptable Surface Area in Monuments and Memorials Subsection will resume after lunch and the fashion diplomacy breakout session with Luxembourg.
🧷 Full leaked hearing dossier drops November 10, 2025, 23:00 at Occupy25.com1
Includes:
– Civic Visibility Standards Chart
– Memo on Modesty Equilibrium Index
– Whistleblower Interview from the Historical Armor Registry
- Originally tagged under: #Sideboob #Freedom #Occupy25 ↩︎
Behind Closed Doors: The Sideboob Subcommittee Uncovered
Step inside the most eyebrow-raising congressional hearing you never knew existed. From heated debates over “surface-area-to-liberty ratio” to absurd fashion diplomacy with Luxembourg, this full transcript spills every hilarious and jaw-dropping moment.
Warning: May cause uncontrollable laughter and serious side-eye.
The Science of Freedom: Modesty Metrics for America’s Statues
Ever wondered how much freedom is too much freedom? This memo breaks down the “Modesty Equilibrium Index,” the government’s latest attempt to regulate patriotism by the square inch. The perfect read for satire lovers and civic fashion police alike.
Confessions from the Historical Armor Registry: When Liberty Met Lockdown
Go behind the scenes with a whistleblower exposing the absurd lengths taken to police the “exposed clavicle.” Equal parts hilarious and scandalous, this interview reveals how prudish politics nearly strangled Lady Liberty’s sass — with some eyebrow-raising tales from the “Misandry Support Group.”
Occupy 2.5 