Narrator: It’s midnight at the Wall-World Shop-o-Ritz Better-Buy. The parking lot looks like a scene from a post-apocalyptic movie — cars piled up in a frantic battle for a space. The doors of the massive store swing open like the gates of Heaven… or Hell, depending on your viewpoint.

Inside, the aisles are a battleground. Shopping carts crash into each other like bumper cars. The scent of desperation and discount perfume hangs in the air. It’s a free-for-all.

Jax (yelling into his microphone): “Welcome back, folks, to ‘The Soul-Search Podcast’ — coming to you live… from somewhere in the underworld. Sorry about the reception, folks, but the Wi-Fi in Hell is, well… it’s a lot like our local Walmart — spotty, and you can’t trust it to get you anywhere useful.”

Grandpa Cafferty (shouting from the background): “Alright, you hooligans, time to stop what you’re doin’ and salute Eisenhower! The man knew how to run a country! Just like he ran his campaigns, like a well-oiled machine… none of this modern nonsense!”

Narrator: Grandpa Cafferty, bless his eternal soul, has been stuck in Hell for nearly fifty years — at least that’s what he claims. Every year, like clockwork, he comes back to haunt Black Friday, trying to rally the troops for some misguided reason.

Grandpa, of course, is always “right there in the thick of it,” trying to get customers to put down the latest flat-screen TV and salute the man who built the interstate system. It’s become something of a tradition. Unfortunately, the shoppers are too preoccupied with greed to care about Eisenhower’s fine legacy.

Jax: “Seriously, Grandpa, Eisenhower? How do you even know who Eisenhower is? You’ve been in Hell for decades!”

Grandpa (snorts): “I read good books, boy. You should try it sometime. Now, quit that podcastin’ nonsense and pay attention. The Eisenhower salute — it’s important! A good ol’ ‘thank you for your service’ to capitalism! And where’s your respect for the Free Market?”

Jax (sighing): “Grandpa, Eisenhower had nothing to do with capitalism. It was the ’50s! There wasn’t even a Walmart in sight back then—hell, there wasn’t even a shopping mall in some places.” (Pauses to check his phone) “Alright, folks. I’m back on, just had to reconnect. But seriously, if you think your soul isn’t going to end up in here after tonight, you’re wrong.”

Narrator: Back in the aisles, the shoppers are in full Black Friday mode. One woman, who looks more like a zombie than a shopper, pushes a cart stacked with fifty identical toaster ovens. She eyes a man grabbing the last box of limited-edition air fryers.

Woman: “That’s mine.”

Man: “I was here first.”

Woman (eyebrows narrowing): “I’ve got ten kids at home. You don’t want to mess with me.”

Man (squinting): “Lady, you’ve got a cart full of toaster ovens. You can’t even fit those in your car.”

Woman (grinning): “Oh, they’re for the kids. They’re special.”

Narrator: And, sure enough, she wasn’t lying. There was something unsettlingly demonic about the way she said it — like she’d sell her soul to get her hands on the last of those damn toaster ovens.

Over at the electronics section, another shopper, a grizzled man with a neck tattoo that says “HARDCORE” (because that’s the future of humanity), slaps a $500 3D printer into his cart.

Grandpa (bellowing from the air conditioner aisle): “No need to fight, people! Why don’t we all just sit down and have a civil conversation about where the real deals are? Maybe we can get a slice of apple pie and talk about how Ike built this great nation, huh?”

Jax: “Grandpa, this is a discounted printer aisle, not a history class! I can barely hear myself over all the yelling. I’m about to start a new podcast episode: *‘How Black Friday Is Basically The Devil’s Favorite Holiday.’”

Grandpa: “Bah! Don’t talk like that! This is capitalism at its finest. We don’t need to be down in Hell to know what we’re doing here. We’re just reaping what we sow!”

Narrator: A cry rings out from the far side of the store.

Woman with the Toaster Ovens: “My toaster ovens! They’re gone!”

Narrator: Chaos erupts. Bodies pile up. It’s like watching a football game, but with more screaming and less dignity. People tear through aisles, shoving each other, throwing elbows.

Grandpa (with a serious tone): “See? This is what happens when greed takes over. You get… this. Look at them… fighting over cheap junk… junk they don’t even need!”

Jax (checking his phone): “Right? These people are literally fighting over toasters. And what do they do once they get home? They probably won’t even use the toasters! It’s all just stuff, man. Stuff they’ll regret buying tomorrow.”

Grandpa (calming down): “It’s not about the toaster, son. It’s about the choices we make. We’re so focused on what we want that we forget to look at what we need. You can’t fill a soul with junk.”

Narrator: The chaos continues, but in the distance, Grandpa’s words seem to ring true. Shoppers stand frozen for a moment. Some look at the junk in their carts, others start to question their sanity. That’s when the lights flicker—a brief moment of eerie silence.

Then, in the blaring sound of an overhead intercom:

Intercom: “Attention shoppers: The store is now closed. Please leave immediately.”

Jax: “This is it, folks. They’ve taken the bait. The greed has consumed them. In the end, we’re all just… buying into the lie, aren’t we?”

Grandpa (nodding): “Ike had a point when he said, ‘We can’t afford to lose our souls. Not for a toaster.’”

Narrator: And so, the shoppers leave — dazed, exhausted, with carts filled to the brim. The haunting silence of the empty store lingers, a reminder that the true cost of Black Friday isn’t the money spent, but the pieces of ourselves we trade to keep up with the madness.

Moral of the Story: Greed may get you a good deal, but it’ll cost you more than you think. No matter what the president promised.

That’s not going to get me on the stage on Broadway.