By Just Another Freaked Observer (Satire)
Occupy25.com

If you were alive during the golden years of America’s Most Wanted, you remember the format: grainy camera footage, a dramatic narrator, and a parade of idiots who always thought they could outrun the FBI despite wearing flip-flops.

Well, friends, the show is back — at least spiritually — and Washington, D.C. has its newest featured fugitive:

“Pete H.” — wanted for Crimes Against Intelligence, First Degree.

Now, before the lawyers choke on their gluten-free muffins, let me spell this out in bold, underlined Times New Roman: THIS IS SATIRE.

But you tell me what else to call it when a man reportedly gives an order so brain-flavored it sends the Five Eyes alliance running for the exits like they smelled something burning in the microwave.

The Official (Satirical) DC Metropolitan Police Bulletin

BOLO Issued: December 2025
Suspect: “Peter H.”
Aliases:

  • “The Axe Guy”
  • “Captain Kill Everybody”
  • “The Human Fog Machine”
  • “The Man Who Once Lost an Argument to a Traffic Cone”

Description:
Male, loud, Fox-shaped.
Believed to be armed with unregistered opinions and a dangerous sense of certainty.

Last Seen:
Wandering near the White House briefing room, attempting to explain maritime law using hand puppets.

Charges (All Satire):

  1. Aggravated Dumbassery With Intent to Influence Foreign Policy
  2. Deploying Weaponized Ignorance Across State Lines
  3. Suspicion of Ordering Something That Sounds Like a War Crime, According to Basically Everyone With a Law Degree
  4. Public Endangerment of Allies (Five Eyes Clause)
  5. Possession of an Overloaded Sense of Confidence

If spotted, approach with caution.
And by “approach,” we mean don’t.

Five Eyes to the U.S.: “Buddy… We Need Space.”

The Five Eyes — the intelligence alliance of the U.S., U.K., Australia, Canada, and New Zealand — has reportedly begun distancing themselves from Washington like someone trying to quietly get off an elevator that suddenly smells weird.

One British official allegedly said (satire, obviously):

“Look, we don’t mind sharing intel.
We do mind sharing blame.”

Australia was blunter:

“Mate, we’ll let you lot keep your missiles. We’re keeping our reputation.”

Congress Reacts Like Congress Always Does

Naturally, Congress responded with the same unified clarity and purpose they bring to every national crisis:

Half the chamber tried to impeach him.
The other half asked if he actually works for the government.
One senator googled “what is a boat.”

A bipartisan moment of confusion erupted when someone pointed out:

“He’s not even an elected official.”

To which a House member replied:

“Exactly. And look at how much damage he’s doing anyway.”

Meanwhile, in DC… Reality Tries to File a Restraining Order

Residents of the capital are reportedly exhausted from the sound of national security experts collectively face-palming every ten minutes.

A Pentagon source, speaking anonymously, said:

“Please stop letting cable news hosts near missiles.
Please. I have kids.”

Another source added:

“We study the laws of war for decades.
He skimmed a Wikipedia page during a commercial break.”

Neighborhood Warning (Satire)

DC Police remind citizens:

  • Do not attempt to argue with the suspect.
  • Do not correct him on international law.
  • Do not let him near boats, drones, or microphones.
  • If he begins a sentence with “Listen, the thing is…” seek higher ground.

Reward (Satirical)

A grateful intelligence community.
And possibly fewer global incidents requiring the phrase “we deeply regret and deny everything.”

Closing Note

America has survived economic collapses, corrupt politicians, assassinations, and congressional hearings so long they qualify as torture under Geneva.

But the one thing we haven’t built immunity to?

Overconfident men with access to weaponry and zero understanding of international law.

If America’s Most Wanted ever makes a comeback, this guy would be the season opener.

And the finale.

And the reruns.

If You Want the Real Story, Check These Sources

Washington Post. (2025, November 28). Hegseth allegedly ordered “kill them all” strike; survivors later killed in follow-up attack. The Washington Post.

PBS NewsHour. (2025, December 1). What the law says about killing survivors of a boat strike, according to experts. PBS.

Military Times. (2025, December 1). Former JAGs say Hegseth, others may have committed war crimes. Military Times.

The Guardian. (2025, December 2). US admiral to brief lawmakers as scrutiny grows over boat strike and possible illegal orders. The Guardian.

CBS News. (2025, December 3). Experts divided on legality of Venezuela boat strikes and alleged orders from Trump officials. CBS News.

PBS NewsHour. (2025, December 3). Lawmakers voice bipartisan support for congressional review of Venezuela strike. PBS.