Filed under: Infrastructure, Emotional

From: Sir Reginald P. Wethersby, Kt. (Ret.)
Acting Assistant Deputy Under-Coordinator
Office of Mild Panic and Strong Tea

To: The Committee for Stationary Objects

Subject: Brick (Unlicensed) – Attempted Aerodynamic Expression

It has come to the attention of this Office that a standard-issue red clay brick did, at approximately 14:17 hours, express a desire to travel.

Witnesses report the brick exhibited signs of acute indignation, having been recently exposed to a public address delivered in capital letters. The brick vibrated briefly, muttered something about “structural hypocrisy,” and attempted to achieve flight.

As you are aware, masonry is not cleared for independent locomotion.

The brick was intercepted before takeoff and presented with Form BRK-17 (“Intent to Express Structural Dissatisfaction”). The brick initially resisted compliance, citing urgency. After being reminded that urgency requires subsection C, paragraph 4 (“Panic, Mild”), it settled.

A review board was convened.

The board determined:

  1. The brick’s grievances were not entirely without foundation.
  2. Its proposed method of delivery lacked long-term strategic cohesion.
  3. The nearest window had not submitted a consent waiver.

The brick has therefore been reassigned to a decorative retaining wall, where it will contribute meaningfully to public stability while maintaining its dignity.

A pamphlet titled From Projectile to Pillar: Constructive Channels for Solid Objects has been provided.

We remind all concerned parties that while passion is admirable, trajectory without paperwork leads only to shattered glass and regrettable headlines.

Further incidents of unauthorized masonry mobility should be reported immediately to the Subcommittee for Impulse Containment.

Tea will be served at 16:00.

Yours in procedural astonishment,
Sir Reginald P. Wethersby, Kt. (Ret.)

Diagram, Erroneous, Mobile, Brick

Supplemental Memorandum

Re: Immediate Procurement of Authorized Brick Diagram
Filed Under: Documentation, Preventative

From: Acting Clerk (Temporary, Nervous)
Office of Mild Panic and Strong Tea

To: Sir Reginald P. Wethersby, Kt. (Ret.)

Subject: Diagrammatic Clarification — Brick (BRK-17/A)

Sir,

In accordance with your earlier memorandum regarding Unauthorized Masonry Mobility, it has been determined that a certified diagram of the brick in question must be secured for the official record.

While it has long been presumed that “a brick is a brick,” recent guidance suggests this assumption may be architecturally reckless. Variations in length, width, temperament, aperture quantity, and general disposition have been observed. We are advised that all bricks do not, in fact, look the same.

Accordingly, we respectfully request:

  1. An original, authorized diagram of the subject brick.
  2. Confirmation of dimensional integrity (length, width, height, hole configuration).
  3. Verification that said brick complies with its future designation as Stationary Infrastructure.
  4. Written assurance that the brick does not possess aerodynamic aspirations inconsistent with service expectations.

Sir Reginald need not appear in the diagram, as this is a structural matter rather than a ceremonial one.

This document must be attached to the primary file post-haste (or without delay, whichever conveys greater urgency in triplicate).

Failure to secure diagrammatic authorization may result in confusion, duplication of brick identity, or, in the worst case, clerical masonry drift.

Thank you for your continued vigilance in matters both solid and stationary.

Respectfully submitted,
Clerk, Third Floor (Near Biscuit Tin)
Office of Mild Panic and Strong Tea