Re: Alleged Cheese Pursuit (Case No. CHS-47/Gravity)
Filed under: Dairy, International, Overreaction
From: Sir Reginald P. Wethersby, Kt. (Ret.)
Office of Mild Panic and Strong Tea
To: Subcommittee on Fermented Solids
Cc: Swiss Consulate (For Courtesy, Not Alarm)
After extensive review, interviews with three breathless interns, and one regrettable downhill sprint by the Deputy Assistant Under-Observer, the Office concludes the following:
- The cheese did not flee.
- The cheese did not radicalize.
- The cheese did not issue demands.
The cheese rolled.
Specifically, it executed a controlled gravitational descent consistent with established terrestrial principles. The motion was smooth, circular, and entirely compliant with physics.
The cheese in question was Swiss. As such, diplomatic courtesy required notification of the Swiss consulate. Their response was calm and included a pamphlet on alpine gravity awareness.
The interns, having observed circular motion, misinterpreted it as escape behavior. This misunderstanding triggered a procedural cascade, including:
- Activation of the Mild Alarm Bell (Level 2)
- Deployment of the Downhill Observation Team
- Drafting of an unnecessary memorandum titled Containment of Dairy Nationalism
Upon reaching the base of the hill, the cheese remained stationary and untroubled.
No diplomatic fallout occurred.
No atmospheric disturbance was recorded.
No chase was, in fact, warranted.
The incident is hereby classified as:
“Boondoggle, Well-Intentioned.”
Recommendations
- Interns shall attend a seminar titled Gravity: Friend, Not Conspiracy.
- Future cheese shall be placed on level surfaces unless downhill motion is expressly authorized.
- Subcommittee members are advised to stretch before pursuing dairy products.
This matter is considered resolved.
Tea will be punctual tomorrow.
Yours in restored composure,
Sir Reginald P. Wethersby, Kt. (Ret.)
Occupy 2.5 