On the Public Use of Capital Letters and Resulting Umbrage

Filed under: Typography, Emotional Escalation

From: Sir Reginald P. Wethersby, Kt. (Ret.)
Office of Mild Panic and Strong Tea

To: Committee on Visible Communication and Preventable Outrage

Subject: Capital Letter Deployment — Risk Assessment

Following the recent incident involving Unauthorized Masonry Mobility (see prior memoranda, several pages, tabbed in red), this Office has identified a contributory factor of potential significance: the conspicuous use of CAPITAL LETTERS in public signage.

It has long been established in electronic correspondence that the use of full capital lettering signifies shouting, alarm, or the digital equivalent of brandishing a saucepan.

It is therefore the preliminary finding of this Office that signage rendered entirely in capital letters may:

  1. Elevate the ambient emotional temperature of a location.
  2. Induce unnecessary umbrage in those already predisposed to it.
  3. Cause otherwise stationary masonry to reconsider its life choices.

In the incident under review, the signage above the window was rendered in emphatic capitals. The individual who experienced Great Umbrage (Level 3, sustained) was, regrettably, not notably perspicacious. The umbrage, therefore, expanded beyond its natural containment.

While this Office encourages perspicacity wherever possible, we acknowledge that it cannot be issued in pamphlet form.

Accordingly, we propose provisional guidelines for public capitalization:

Provisional Guidelines for Responsible Capital Letter Usage

  • Capitals shall be reserved for actual emergencies (fire, flood, goose in necktie).
  • Mixed case is to be preferred in routine signage.
  • Exclamation marks are to be rationed.
  • Repeated capitals (e.g., “VERY IMPORTANT!!!”) require a cooling-off period.
  • Any signage exceeding 60% capital saturation must include tea nearby.

We further note the influence of the American “Vulgar Elements of Style,” whose enthusiastic embrace of emphatic lettering has spread across the globe with alarming efficiency.

While we bear no lasting resentment toward the Colonies, we do observe that clarity and volume are not synonymous.

This Office concludes that typography, when misapplied, may function as a form of acoustic aggression.

The matter is under continued review.

Tea will be served quietly.

Yours in measured lower-case restraint,
Sir Reginald P. Wethersby, Kt. (Ret.)