On the Matter of the Cutting of the Cheese

Filed under: Dairy, Atmospheric, Jurisdictional

From: The Office of the Surveyor General (Acting)
In Coordination with the Office of Mild Panic and Strong Tea

To: Department of Fermented Solids Oversight

Subject: Inquiry into Unauthorized Cheese Division (Case No. CHS-48/CUT)

Following the recent and entirely dignified resolution of the Controlled Roll Incident (see Case No. CHS-47/Gravity), this Office has been notified of a subsequent development: the cutting of the cheese.

Let it be stated clearly for the record:

The cheese was not chased.
The cheese was not fleeing.
The cheese was cut.

The circumstances of said cutting remain unclear.

The Surveyor General has therefore opened a full inquiry into the following questions:

  1. Who cut the cheese?
  2. Under what authority was the cheese cut?
  3. Was the cutting premeditated, ceremonial, culinary, or impulsive?
  4. Where was the cheese intended to go after division?
  5. Was redistribution anticipated?
  6. Was ventilation considered?

Particular attention must be paid to jurisdiction.

The cheese was Swiss.

Accordingly, this Office must determine:

  • Was the cheese cut by a Swiss citizen?
  • Was a Swiss diplomat present?
  • Was the act consistent with accepted alpine dairy protocol?
  • Has the Swiss consulate issued guidance on slicing neutrality?

Furthermore, reports of a “peculiar aroma” following the cutting are under review. While it is acknowledged that cheese, once divided, may emit certain olfactory declarations, the possibility of secondary atmospheric involvement cannot be ruled out.

The Surveyor General has commissioned:

  • A diagram of the slice angle.
  • A report on rind integrity.
  • A preliminary airflow assessment.

Until findings are complete, all cutting instruments are to remain stationary.

The cheese itself is to be treated with calm respect and moderate airflow.

This Department reminds all parties that division, when poorly managed, leads to crumbs.

A full report will be issued pending laboratory results and the airing out of Conference Room B.

Tea shall proceed with windows slightly ajar.

Yours in structured inquiry,
The Surveyor General (Acting)
Office of Mild Panic and Strong Tea