A Political Satire

By Dora Zurino

The following is a work of satire. It is fiction. If you mistake it for a government briefing, please step away from the computer, make yourself a sandwich, and reconsider your life choices.

Every generation gets the political comedy it deserves.

The 1980s gave us Weekend at Bernie’s, a dark comedy in which two desperate young men spend an entire weekend convincing everyone around them that their deceased employer is still alive because their own futures depend on maintaining the illusion.

At the time, audiences laughed because the premise was ridiculous.

Today, many Americans watch the same movie and quietly wonder whether Washington would try something similar.

No, not literally.

At least, we certainly hope not.

To be perfectly clear, there is no evidence that President Donald Trump is dead, secretly incapacitated, or being wheeled through the White House wearing sunglasses while staff members gently reposition his arms between photo opportunities. That would be absurd.

Besides, the Secret Service would almost certainly object to the sunglasses.

The real joke isn’t about Donald Trump.

The real joke is that millions of Americans have reached the point where they openly question whether any administration—Republican or Democrat—would immediately tell the public the truth if a president became seriously unable to govern.

That is not a medical problem.

It is a crisis of confidence.

Governments have hidden the illnesses of leaders before. History contains no shortage of presidents, prime ministers, kings, dictators, and party bosses whose declining health was softened, minimized, delayed, or concealed until the political consequences became unavoidable.

Americans know that history.

They also know that trust, once broken, is remarkably difficult to rebuild.

Now imagine—purely for the sake of satire—that the White House press room has become the set of Weekend at Pennsylvania Avenue.

“The President is having an energetic day.”

Why hasn’t anyone seen him?

“He’s working.”

Can reporters ask him questions?

“Not today.”

Tomorrow?

“Perhaps.”

Why are all of his remarks prerecorded?

“The President has embraced asynchronous leadership.”

Why is every photograph taken from exactly the same angle?

“That’s his preferred side.”

Why hasn’t anyone outside his immediate circle spoken with him?

“The President is extremely focused.”

Every scheduling gap becomes “executive planning.”

Every unexplained absence becomes “private consultations.”

Every contradiction becomes “fake news.”

Every awkward pause becomes “strategic contemplation.”

Every question becomes an attack on democracy itself.

Cable news fills twenty-four hours debating whether a shadow in a photograph proves anything.

Social media produces thousands of self-appointed experts in presidential gait analysis, facial expressions, and blinking frequency.

Congress schedules hearings.

Nobody learns very much.

The point isn’t whether Donald Trump is healthy or unhealthy.

The point is whether Americans still believe that any administration would level with the public if the Commander in Chief became incapable of performing the duties of the office.

If that answer has become uncertain, the constitutional problem is much larger than the health of any one president.

A republic depends upon informed consent.

Citizens cannot give informed consent if they cannot trust what their government tells them.

And because every modern conspiracy theory eventually acquires an international chapter, Occupy 2.5 offers the following entirely fictional diplomatic messages.

To Beijing:

Please don’t get any clever ideas. This satire already contains enough imaginary government assistance.

To Moscow:

Москва, мы вас видим. Даже не думайте.

(“Moscow, we see you. Don’t even think about it.”)

There.

International diplomacy has now been completed to the satisfaction of absolutely no one.

Perhaps that is the saddest part of this entire joke.

This essay never asks readers to believe that the President is secretly dead.

It asks something far more troubling.

Would Americans immediately believe their own government if it announced that everything was perfectly fine?

The fact that millions of people would hesitate before answering that question is the punchline.

And unlike Weekend at Bernie’s, this joke isn’t particularly funny.

About the Author

Dora Zurino, the Legend of Texas Law, is the author of From Alamo to Anarchy.

Find the book: https://books2read.com/u/mdBD9R

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